Way too fast
And just like that, we are done. The littlest cub has weaned herself off. We were just shy of the 1 year goal. And this mama 's heart is just hurting. As she lays sleeping next to me, hand reaching out, resting on my breast as in claiming it,she is no longer a little baby. And I feel so guilty. If I wouldn't of gotten sick and spendt 10 days in the hospital away from her, I still would have some milk to give her. If I would have tried harder to pump and spend time with her. If I would have been home, this wouldn't of had happened this way. Obviously it had to happen at some point. It just didn't think it would have been so soon. Since it was all still fine a few days ago. Again, things always seem to.be the worst, right when you're in the hardest part of it. This was my biggest concern regarding my current situation. Not the amount of pain I'm in or the pending surgery I'm waiting on, but the fact that I would lose my milk supply and the ability to nurse Abigail. And that she would be fine without it. Without me.
Breastfeeding creates this bond, between the two of you. That feeling that, without you, this little defenseless baby can t survive. She needs you to be there by her side at all times. You can t get away without her for more than an hour. Because only you can fill that need. But now it's gone. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't attached to the act of breastfeeding. It's sticky and sweaty and even painful sometimes. What I am mourning is the loss of the relationship we developed together.
What hurts so bad is that I abandoned her. I left her and went to the hospital and didn't provide her with my comfort and nutrution. Someone else had to step in and do.that because I was not there for her. So she has had the past 2 weeks with on and off milk from me and coming to visit at the hospital, which was overwhelming for her. But shes had all that time to ready herself for this end. I suppose I had it too. But she breastfed so beautifully last night, I felt it was the last time but dared not think about it, but it was. And I should have enjoyed it more. I suppose every moment is like that. You never know when the last time you'll do something with a child until they outgrow it and simply don't do it again. That must be why they say to enjoy every single moment because they do grow up way too fast.
Way too fast.
Too fast for this mama bear to handle. And I'm sure some will say that I should enjoy this freedome. That I know have my body back. I don't have to worry if I'm out too long or if the shirt im wearing is breastfeeding accommodating. That I'm free. But I sure doesn't feel like celebrating right now. I feel like I have lost a part of myself.
Breastfeeding has been a daily part of my life now for 11 months. That's a long time. That's a lifetime. And all of a sudden, it gone and walked away. And there is nothing I can do at this point to bring it back.
I knew it would happen soon but I was hoping for one more snuggle. One more night feed. One more fall asleep in my arms totally safe from all harm no care in the world feed. But now I have to content myself to holding her hand and hiding my tears.
I know that she is fine without it. I know that. That's what hurting the most. She's so grown up and independent that she doesn't need me to nurse her to sleep anymore. To cuddle and comfort her. To fill her up with love.
I'll console myself by holding her warm little hand and stroking her head. Feeling her grow up that much more under my touch. Tomorrow is a new day. We will both face it like big girls do.