Me, First.

I want you to listen to me. I don't want you to give me your opinion on how you think I feel. I don't want your advice. I don't want to have to justify why I feel a certain way. I want you to listen to me, hear what I have to say and comfort me. Don't analyse me. Don't try and solve my problems for me, Just listen to me and be there.

A conversations isn't me talking and you dissecting everything I say. It's us talking about it together. But I am not ready for that yet. I need to let out some steam before it blows up. Or maybe it did already. I just want someone to compassionately listen to what I have to say. If you feel you absolutely must comment, please wait until I am done. Is that so much to ask?

Yes, I am going to behave differently. I am a different person that I was 6 months ago. People change all the time. Sometimes change is positive, sometimes it's negative. Change is change. As much as I try to be as positive as I can everyday, sometimes negativity gets the best of me. I try to escape it. But it's kinda hard, it's not like I can out run it or hide from it. Negativity follows me everywhere I go. Sometimes I think, maybe it's in the house so if we go somewhere it will be fine, but that's not always the case.

I understand that "trying" and "doing" are different. But, in order to do, you have to try. You can not do without trying first. You can't so simply start "doing". It doesn't work that way. Going strait to "doing" without trying first often results in failing. And I am tired of failing and of the frustrations of having to "do" again. But if every day I try, I might not make a big progress but some day soon, I will do because I have been trying so hard.

If I am expressing my feelings, discrediting everything I say because it's "feelings" isn't helpful or nice. My feelings matter. My emotions mean something. I am not a robot. I will function off of those feelings. Even if my brain tries to tell me that my feelings are irrational, even if my heart tells me my feelings are irrational, the way I feel still needs to be validated. You don't have to agree with the way I feel. But you do have to respect it. Just like I may not agree with your opinion but I will still respect you. My feelings are an extension of me.

Apologizing with a "But..." is not much of an apology.

Talking to me instead of with me is no good either. Sometimes, I need my personal space. Coming and imposing conversation in my personal space is not ok. Not that it was conversation, Lecturing me about myself is no good either. I know how I am, I know how I feel. I don't need you to come tell me. I give you your personal space rather, you take your own personal space and come back when you are ready to talk. If I don't welcome you, it means that I'm still in need of personal space.

Pretending that everything is ok is fine with me. A new day is a new day. But just because God's Mercies are new every morning, doesn't meant that my feelings are not still hurt. My emotional health is important and needs to be respected, not played with.

I need you. I do.

I need you to understand me. I need you to listen to me. I need you to protect me. I need you to love me. I need you to be there for me, first.


Comments

  1. I pray you get the listening and the support you need!

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