I have a guarded heart.

Bear with me. It's past my bedtime but I can't sleep. I just sketched an awesome bird in my bible and I am pretty proud of it. I have a million thoughts flying around in my head and a teething baby sleeping in pain next to me that cant get comfy and keeps sobbing in his sleep. I have a build up of emtional turmoil brewing inside of me. My body is hurting, my brain is hurting and my heart is hurting. My plate got smashed again. And I really don't feel like picking up the pieces any more.

Feeling hurt by someone's words and actions is of my own control. The  way I perceive things may not be how they were intended to be delivered. My hurt might not seem to be justified in someone else's eyes but in  my heart there is injury. I don't expect anyone to understand my hurt, I  truly don't. It's deep inside me and I would have to open up and explain it to you.  And I don't feel like doing that much. All I want is that my hurt gets validated, acknowledged, recognized. Because my hurt doesn't only stem from my perception of events.  It is also deriving from verbal attacks on my person. And that hurt runs deep.

From what I gather, in elementary school, you are either the bully or the bullied. I was not the bully. Every name you can think of, I was called. All your typical pranks, I  survived them. Did it make me a stronger person, sure. Was it enjoyable, necessary or appropriate, never. Is it something that I  wish I hadn't had to live through, absolutely.
The thing is, it's not just in elementary school that that kind of stuff happens. It's a whole life kind of thing. Now I am not going to become a bully. But I will not be a victim. I will not retaliate. But you will not hurt me. My heart is guarded and protected. The names that I am being called  and things being said about me will not hurt me. All they will do is show me how insecure and unprotected your hearts are. I know myself. I am confident in who I am, not insecure . I am strong not struggling.

And the thing with social media, the comments can always be removed. I will not let others attack on me. I  will not attack you. I will defend myself. I will not lose sleep over your words, I will simply delete them. Its just sad that people feel the need to go there. That it makes them feel better about themselves to hurt others. How can someone's pain make you thrive? I suppose I will never understand that because of how guarded my heart is.

In the end of it all, if you really can't say anything nice or kind or decent, you should just shut up.

Here is my awesome, free bird. He's from Proverbs 6 verse 5 .


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