I need discipline

I have been having a frustrating time with my crutches, I have had them now for over 4 months. I have not been enjoying them. I have gotten sick of having to use them. I hate them. I feel the same about my boot. It was cool at first, I could take it off to shower. It was protecting my leg. It looked cool. It was a pain to take on and off in a hurry. It stinks. It takes up a lot of room. It stinks.

I have had my second surgery.

I am expected to walk on my so-called "bobo-leg" with out my air cast boot and without my crutches, So, essentially, just to get up and walk.

Honestly, I expected myself to get up and walk. I thought it would be easy. I know how to walk. Right ?

I love my crutches and I really want to put the boot back on. I want to hop around or stay sitting on the couch. I want familiar. I want easy. I want a hug,

When I take a step, it feels like I am walking on a sprained ankle. It hurts and is sensitive. Every step I force my foot to take, my foot yells back at me that it's not feeling right. That I need to take the pressure off of it. That it hurts and not to do it again. I have been trying really hard not to listen to it. The doctor and nurses assured me, it's normal. It will hurt and it has to be done. They said, "It's just like riding a bike, it's natural" well... it's not. I'd love to ride a bike. That seems like it would be a lot easier to do. I have to just do it.

But I don't want to. I want the pain to go away. I want to put the least effort into walking as possible. I want to be the whinny child that refuses to cooperate. I want to go back to bed and hope that tomorrow I'll be able to just walk.

I know that it's all unrealistic. I know that it will be better. I know that this is just a phase. I know all of that, I know that I am being unreasonable. I know that. But this is how I feel. I don't want pity, I don't want help. I want understanding and support. I want motivation. I want a glass of wine ?

I want that peace. So I guess I need discipline. A lot of it. I know the road ahead is long and challenging. I just need to get on it and start walking, 


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