Baby no more.

I have a migraine today. I haven't been productive. All I have done is snuggled with my baby. My baby is growing so fast and won't be a baby for much longer. He's 10 months old now. He's communicating his needs,  he's eating everything we eat, he's crawling backwards and almost forward.  He is weaning himself and that makes me sad.

With Samson, he weaned himself at 9 months.  I was ready. I had wanted to breastfeed him for a year but I wasn't going to fight him to drink. I was dealing with post partum depression, it had just been diagnosed so it went untreated for months. I was frustrated in general not specifically with breastfeeding. In the end, he was done and I was done.

This time,  with Noah,  I was ready. I knew what PPD was and how to recognize it and most of all I knew I wouldn't let it take me this time. I was stronger. I was more experienced.  I had my husband on my side. It did not take me, but it was hard. I saw  it coming. I felt it happening. But we didn't let it take me.

So I thought for sure that I would have no problems with breastfeeding this little guy. I was wrong. With the initial surgery for my leg came Noahs first nursing strike. Not to mention he is lip tied and tongue tied so we had to use a breast shield. With the strike I lost my milk supply and had to work extremely hard to get it back and to get him to drink again. With lots of help and encouragement we did it.

Once we hit the 9 months mark I thought we were home-free. He did start showing behaviors like Sam had but he pulled through it. But now, a month later, I have to fight for him to drink. It frustrates him. It frustrates me. I don't want to give in to bottles and I don't have enough of a supply to pump. So we fight until he gets to tired to fight and drinks. Not every time, but quite often.

I had to work so hard to get my milk back that I dont want to just let himself wean off before we get to a year! It would be easier to just give him a bottle. It would. But would it be better for him?  All the studies show that breast is best. I don't want to lose mt snuggle time with him. Or him falling asleep on me. Or that closeness we have. He's eating lots of food. He's drinking lots of water.  He's still a baby.

See how much I have been tormenting myself about it. I have 2 more months of maternity leave. 2 months. How am I supposed to go back to a super drama filled work environment where people are mean to those they disagree with or just don't like. Where nothing is actually done fairly and where there is favoritism. When all I have done for the last 10 months is snuggle up and spend timewith my boys. How on earth am I supposed to give up my baby and a  let him be a toddler.

Oh gosh! A toddler. We just finished that with Samson. Yay for preschoolers ;) but all he says now is "why?". I  can deal with the whys, as long as I can snuggle with them.

Where have my babies gone, on this bright September day. I guess we will just have to make an other one. There is always more room in my heart for some snuggles.


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